I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
