mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
