people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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