Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she told me i tasted like america
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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