so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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