A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
