dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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