My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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