nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
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I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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