He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
