so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
