I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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