saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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