shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
