I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
