____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
