I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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