please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
