I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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