I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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