i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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