I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
