It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
