My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
