My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
