I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize