Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
