The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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