To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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