i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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