as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
