What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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