it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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