I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
