If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
