Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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