Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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