my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
