I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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