Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
