honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
