you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Randomize
