Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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