Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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