A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
