Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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