I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
