On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
