apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
