he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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