I want to make a zoo with you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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