best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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