I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
