It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
