I wish my penis had an off switch
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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