I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
